We are part of the vast onslaught of people who think romantic love should be the centre of our lives. The books we read and movies we watch tell us that love should always be perfect and firm, sometimes resulting in couples and families seeking counselling.
Even after 50 years, the initial romance should still be alive and vibrant, right? The truth is that being part of a committed couple, with all its imperfections, is a complex journey. We must navigate society's expectations, manage our and our partner's self-esteem, and nurture our children's self-worth. It's a delicate balance that many of us can relate to.
We are a disposable society.
We throw things away and buy new ones all the time. Sadly, we have cultivated mass landfills of rubbish and thrown piles of perfect things away because we want the newest shiny replacement. Sadly, we do the same with relationships we believe are no longer serving us. The person that we once loved like no other and who we built a stable life around is deemed part of the disposable world we live in.
The grass is greener.
Not always with another person; maybe we crave an empty house to stop cleaning up after someone else, or we do not want that person around so much.
Society perpetuates the grass-is-greener approach. Being sold the idea that we must have a perfect body, perfect lives, and perfect relationships to be happy. If we don't, we must hop over the fence to the greener grass on the other side.
If we are depressed, sad, miserable, or anxious, we have to change something about our lives until this no longer applies. In many cases, if we are unhappy, we need to deal with the trigger for the sadness.
Relationship life cycle.
Why is relationship counselling a good thing?
The decision to stay together.
Acknowledgement help is available if a person would like to accept the offer.
The couple agreed to seek help from an expert.
To experience healing and positive change to be embraced.
The couple will start peeling away the layers of their life together and find the love underneath.
The five relationship stages.
Romance: The first stage can last between two months and two years, depending on the individual. When the romance wears off, couples get to see each other for who they are. A crucial step into stage two is when the relationship can run into problems.
Power struggle: This stage can cause resentment, anger, and disappointment as the individuals in the relationship must deal with the change in chemical influences and correctly see the difference between them and their partner for the first time. It can last between a few months and many years, and it is possible to become stuck in it.
Stability occurs when a couple feels love again, and frustration begins to subside. Acceptance of each partner's individuality leads to stability, which brings a new kind of love. This comfortable, friendship-like, relaxed love results from the couple overcoming the power struggle and learning from their efforts.
Commitment: Each half of any couple accepts the other for who they are. Commitment is the conscious choice to be and stay in a relationship because the relationship and the other person are worth it. It should come from knowing that each person in the partnership is comfortable as an individual and as part of a couple.
Co-Creation: Many couples co-create children, but many others work together on other ventures, often intending to improve the world.
McWhirter and Mattison conducted the study based on interviews with over 150 male couples over five years, being created first with the progress and stages of gay relationships in mind. However, it quickly realised that the stages were equally relevant to heterosexual relationships.
The six stages of lifetime bonds.
Blending: At this point, couples start to embrace everything about each other, including the variation of associated chemicals.
Nesting: This is when problems can begin based on the love chemical wearing off, the beginning of taking off rose-tinted glasses, and looking at the partner based on compatibility alone.
Maintaining is when the balance of individuality returns and one or both parties start to make friends or do things outside the relationship. It is the point in a relationship where the needs of the relationship start to settle down, and the needs of each individual within it begin to resurface.
Whilst this is an integral part of building a good and lasting relationship, it can also lead to insecurities, particularly if one partner has low self-esteem.
Building: This is when people grow in self-awareness and wonder about their place in the world whilst also finding their place in the relationship and balancing the two. The couple, at this point, will need to be aware that the line between shared interest and outside interest can be a fine one; many will enrich the relationship whilst others can do the opposite, leaving one of the couple feeling like an advantage is being taken of the feel of dissatisfaction.
Releasing: This stage of releasing is teh acceptance that the relationship exists and will continue; the couples generally become friends and companions, share resources without question and reach a new stage of relaxation together.
Renewing: The final stage of a lifelong relationship is a beautiful journey back to romance. However, it is crucial to remember that each partner has grown since the first flush of romance. With communication, assuming that needs and wants stay the same can lead to understanding. This stage reminds us of the importance of open and honest communication in every relationship phase. As we age, each partner can also develop habits and obsessions beyond their previous levels, along with changes in hearing and sharpness of thought.
Erikson's stages of personal development.
Trust or mistrust.
According to Erikson, the first psychosocial crisis occurs during the first year of life. Trust or mistrust is learnt from direct contact with the primary caregiver.
An infant up to one year of age is floundering in a world unknown and, therefore, looks naturally to the person or people taking direct care of them. When care providers, this will build, yet when care is lacking, the child is already learning that they cannot trust.
The trust or mistrust created at this point will become the blueprint for relationships for most of that child's life. Trust inspires hope for other relationships, while mistrust creates insecurity.
Autonomy versus shame and doubt.
As children grow, they begin to explore the world. At this point, self-confidence or self-doubt may instilled into the child's intricate beliefs. Supported attempts at exploring the world and praise and encouragement will help the child grow with self-esteem and self-belief. Criticism and a lack of motivation or belief from the primary caregiver will make a child doubt himself and his abilities.
Initiative versus guilt.
This is an interesting stage of development when the child begins to interact with others during play. The initiative is a big learning stage from around five years old. However, if not responded to with positive guidance, playing initiative can transform into guilt.
The initiative is the self-esteem to make decisions. When a child's decision-making self-esteem is controlled or criticised, he will feel guilty and worried about making decisions and taking the initiative when he becomes an adult.
Guilt can cause shyness and unwillingness to interact and hinder a child's creativity. Yet guilt is necessary to teach a child self-control, social awareness, or conscience. At this point in a child's life, there is a delicate balance between initiative and guilt.
Competence versus inferiority.
Between the ages of 5 and 12, self-esteem becomes far more invested in peer groups.
At this point, learning will focus on how well the child does in typically respected areas of society, such as sports or similar activities. Bullying can cause severe problems with self-esteem for teenagers at this stage. This is also the point where modesty is learned.
Identity or role confusion.
Children between 12 and 18 years old become aware of their identity and their role as adults. This stage is affected by all of the previous stages.
A point of securing individual identity and awareness of identity. This is a prelude to the confusion that can cause self-identity and self-esteem issues.
Intimacy versus isolation.
Between 18 and 40, people begin to develop into the intimacy or isolation stage.
At this point, we progress into intimate relationships beyond those without immediate family. This life stage also leads to loneliness, mainly if we have not adequately developed trust and self-esteem during childhood.
Generativity versus stagnation.
The stage of raising a family and succeeding at work covers how productive individuals are in society and how that productivity and fulfilled sense of meaning affect our well-being. Erikson stated that this stage runs between the ages of 40 and 65.
Ego integrity or despair.
Erikson believed that if people see their lives as unproductive or feel like they have not achieved their goals by the time they reach 65+, they may feel despair or deep unhappiness.
If we do not come into this stage having successfully dealt with all the others, we will fear death instead of achieving wisdom.
Remember that Erikson believed moving to the next stage would be easier if one stage was completed. This idea easily fits into the variation of people's levels of maturity dependent on how their earlier stages of learning evolved.
Whilst all of the stages above could appear simplistic, they significantly affect self-esteem and relationships.
As individuals.
Why does the past matter? People are partly a product of their environment, which consists of genetic and environmental influences. As Erikson rightly states, trust develops or breaks when a baby is born.
The fundamental trust learned in the first few months determines how easily an adult trusts another adult in a romantic or developing relationship. If the mother of a child ignores the baby's genuine cries of hunger or discomfort enough, the child's brain develops the belief that trust is difficult, if not impossible.
The mind has evolved along with the body, which is the first thing we must understand. It has evolved and supported the entire human species into the vast numbers that there is today.
As this happens, the brain develops many valuable habits. It also creates some space for thinking, which gets people into trouble. The human mind (the thinking space of the brain) can worry about the future and ruminate on the past.
Not only can these habits be developed within the mind, though, as if they were not distressing enough. The mind usually takes the physiology of teh entire body along for the ride. The mind space can think of a human being to the point of physical worry, anxiety or even sickness.
In addition to all the above, the belief system gives an experience, meaning the rest of the time is spent gathering evidence for that meaning.
Looking back to Erikson's life stages, it is easy to see how children can learn something early in life, subconsciously add meaning, and then spend the rest of their lives gathering evidence. For example, the inability to trust the primary caregiver can be the meaning that a young child claims as their truth.
The thinking area of the mind is the part that feeds into the belief system and can overthink or create problems for us based on that. Interestingly, the thinking area of the mind is also the part that meditation and mindfulness practice can improve and even grow.
The more we practice being mindful and aware of our feelings in the present moment, without reacting to them but just consciously and observing them, the more balanced and capable our thinking area within the mind will be.
Negative bias begins in the feeling mind. As we evolved, we were prey animals; therefore, we had to view everything as a potential threat—in other words, with an opposing viewpoint.
This explains why we can often think positively to feel better or stop those runaway thoughts. The feeling area of the mind also provides the emotional response that renders us momentarily out of control, referred to as the refractory period.
Communication and conflict often lead to arguments, usually witnessed as unfavourable. Early disagreements turn into huge arguments, not because of the topic that the couple cannot disagree on but because one or both believe that the other has found a flaw in them as a person and, therefore, may leave the relationship.
Arguing differs from any other communication style—it can be helpful, useless, or painful. The difference between the two must be known. Therefore, how a couple argues is crucial to how the relationship works.
There are two ways to argue: negative and positive.
Opposing arguments get a couple no further in their relationship, and things are left unsaid; things get left until one or both of the couple burst into highly emotive language and behaviour, and the problems go unresolved.
A relationship that does not ever experience an argument or heated conversation can be a sign of problems; living with someone else is challenging at times, and we will disagree. Of this, there is no doubt, yet when one of both parts of a couple keeps their feeling quiet, this can have a much worse effect on a relationship. The partner or partners that stay quiet during a relationship to avoid an argument will suffer, and this will lead to problems in the long term. Without the confidence to speak up, a relationship will lose all feelings for individuals who cannot say how they feel and are unhappy.
Healthy Habits If a couple were learning how to be successful with no prior experience, no learned fears and few conditioned expectations, guidelines may not be necessary. However, people approach therapy because everything they have tried so far has not worked, so they need to re-learn new habits that do work.
Each partner should prepare to choose the right time to bring up problems with the others; it is easy to ignore a problem until it becomes so significant and underlying. The couple must agree during teh calm discussion times that if either of them has a problem, they will bring it forward at an appropriate time and when they are alone.
Each individual needs to know the difference between their ego and fairness because it can be easy for a partner with low self-esteem to always take responsibility for problems when the fault may not be theirs. This action can cause long-term emotional detachment from the partner.
Stonewalling is an agreement to take time out if one person needs it but not to shut down emotionally or physically walk away. Sulking, leaving an argument without an agreement to take time, or stonewalling a partner will lead to long-term problems.
During peaceful times, each partner can agree to allow the other space when needed. If the keyword needs to be added, this is fine, as long as both agree to adhere to it when the keyword for space is used.
A common argument is incorporating other people's opinions or observations into the discussions; this is particularly relevant if the opinions or observations concern the couple and their relationship. Positive arguments leave other people out; they acknowledge without fail that the discussion is part of the relationship and that the only people who should be in it are the couple themselves. This is not to say that children or dependents should not be discussed; other people's opinions have no place in a couple's argument.
Careful listening is one of the most positive relationship habits a couple can practice. Listening is difficult when things get emotional, even during an argument. When a couple argues, they often go in circles by pr, using what they will say next. This particular behaviour can be linked to bravado or one-upmanship, or it can even be related to one partner simply trying to please the other.
During an argument, both parties must respect themselves and their partner. Loss of temper, name-calling, and even physical anger are destructive and should never be part of the conversation.
Love languages include kind acts that offer support through caring and helping as often as possible. Affirmation relies on verbal confirmation of being loved and lovable. Quality time with each other is an integral part of every relationship. Romantic gifts are where the thought means more than the gift itself, and finally, the physical touch is not limited to sexual contact.
The lifecycle of family.
Independence (Young adult).
Young couple.
Parenting young children.
Parenting adolescent children.
Launching (Children leaving home).
Senior family.
The six therapy stages.
Psychologist Egan states that, regardless of the specific presenting issues, all therapeutic interventions must follow six stages to be effective. These stages bring together many concepts of therapy developed over many years and have proven highly effective in counselling and therapy.
Develop trust.
Explore problem areas.
Help to set goals.
Empower into action.
Encourage change maintenance.
Agree to end therapy.
Goals frameworks.
The framework shows a variation of goal-setting techniques that can be used successfully in therapy courses.
Specific - A specific goal.
Measurable - A way to measure progress towards the goal.
Achievable - Realistic and something that the client will manage.
Relevant - To the final goal.
Timeline - A realistic date for achievement.
Akhtar, (SAC Dip), Lead Counselling Psychologist.
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